I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
