Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
