If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
