Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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