i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
