I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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