I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
