Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
