Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I am spending my child support on dildos
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Two words: nipple clamps
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