do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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