my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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