capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
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i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
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I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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