She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
