The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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