Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
