If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
