last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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