your parents love me but you hate me
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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