4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
