is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I would ride that face into the sunset
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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