I think I won the penis lottery.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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