At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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