I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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