she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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