I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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