White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
