i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
