I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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