he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
