apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
