Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
sarcasm needs its own font
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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