I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Did I show you my penis last night?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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