I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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