Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
