If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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