i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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