Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
