You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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