this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just found a bag of teeth...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
