i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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