I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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