I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
