I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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