At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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