I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
