I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
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I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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