you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
