why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
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Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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