he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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