they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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