Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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