Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
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How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
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He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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