Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
