just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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