Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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