I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
