he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
