I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
